I am finally at a point where, for now (and not for long), I am OK with what I'm doing. I am finding comfort in painting for hours on end, working toward deadlines, and even slightly in stressing out about getting everything done. Maybe it is because it feels like being in school again, where life moves non-stop, but where there aren't worries about the "bigger picture" yet. Now those worries are here, but for the next month I am setting my sights on getting grad school applications in—and on nothing else. Then it will be time for my life reevaluation (or maybe just evaluation).
When I hear about what some of my peers are doing, I can't help but think that there are bigger things for me to do than go to grad school for painting, especially when it's because "I don't know what else to do." Maybe I have gotten too caught up in thinking about life and my future. Maybe I am becoming too concerned with building a solid ground. Maybe I am too worried about planning out the next year, five years, ten years. Maybe I just need to drop it all and live. Why can't I travel to a different country and do something so fulfilling? Why do I need to find a dead-end 9–5 job staring at a computer screen in order to pay the bills? But I know that I can, and I don't.
I think that a lot of what will get me through the next month of painting, writing, and inevitable nervous breakdown(s), is the anticipation of exploring all the other options and (hopefully) finding something that works for me. But God forbid I reevaluate my life and realize that what I want is to go to grad school, and not be able to because I didn't apply. The irony of being practical when all I want is to forget practicality altogether. So, for now, I suck it up and I power through. And eventually things will come together.
OH, and here are pictures of some black bottom cupcakes that I made.
YUM.
No comments:
Post a Comment